I went to see a movie in theatres the other day called "Project Almanac" and without ruining it for anybody, it's about time travel. I feel like if I say anything else, I'll ruin the plot line, but I did really like it, so I guess see it... or not? Anyways, I was thinking about trying to write some kind of time travel poem or something like maybe one sentence, like one of those six word poems or something. I don't know really, I just wanna try and find something to write about. I'll try at least. See I have this idea where I wanna write a sentence that can be read backwards and forwards and make sense like that, I'm not really sure how to phrase it so it makes sense, which is why it's so hard to write the poem itself because I can't even explain what it is that I want to do. And I'm pretty sure what I've written so far doesn't make much sense either. Here it goes:
Enter a room. Open the door so we can
I'm trying to make it so that it can be read over and over to make more sense than if it was only read once through. I don't think I'm really getting what I'm trying to make. Maybe it's too short? Or I'm just awful at poetry. I just don't have the knack.
Second attempt? Maybe something longer?
Today I picked up the broken glass,
tomorrow I break the glass,
yesterday I sweep up the glass.
Today I use bread to pick up tiny shards too small to see,
tomorrow I cut my foot yesterday.
Yesterday the glass is glued together with tiny pieces missing.
Today is yesterday is tomorrow is never.
When are we?
I don't know if this one is closer to what I'm trying to get at but I do think I like it better than my first one. Maybe because it's longer? Or it has more of the feel I was going for? I don't know, but I think I'm getting closer at least.
RB! what a radical and thrilling inspiration source with noble and notable poem drafts! translating one medium into another, even loosely as a muse, can be mind-imploding! your first attempt reminds me of a kind of concrete poetry, which is, i guess, called "circle poems," because if you type that phrase into a Google image search, you'll find some excellent examples and some cruddy ones.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.redfoxpress.com/images/dada-finlay.3.jpg
http://canlit.ca/img/Shane_Rhodes_Circle.png
these are pretty good, i think, even though the first might not be much more than clever. your second attempt does feel a little more substantial. that line about the bread picking up the smaller slivers is pretty dang gorgeous! such a minute but believable and intimate detail for the scene. my three comments/feedback are thus:
1. how might the tone of the poem change if the bread was rye, or Wonder brand, or homemade? or the glass becomes blue versus auburn?
2. the days clearly establish the anachronism of the events, or the narrator's perception of them, but i wonder whether it might be equally effective but more subtle, more haunting, to simply use the three verb tenses to indicate shifts in time, especially if the event/moment/action of the poem is singular or continuous.
3. in an upper-level course i once took with Tom Wayman, he hugely promoted this idea of hacking off the final line, or two, or three etc. of a poem (and even some stories) in order to allow for a more natural or metaphoric ending, and my haunches have a hunch that such a theory could apply to your second poem. excise the last two lines, and the image of glued together with missing fragments is a delicate detail that feels kinda profoundly suggestive, eh? just a thought.
pretty much a perfect post... thanks!